Asshole’s Log: Day 6

Today’s traffic driving comment. “Help I’m surrounded by boobs. So many boobs. Oh yeah, and they’re naked.”

Soccer is pissing me off. I don’t watch a ton of soccer but I do get into the various international tournaments – especially the World Cup. What I am starting to notice is that if soccer could just fix a few glaring problems, it would suck much less balls. The in-game penalty kicks, offsides rule, and endgame penalty kicks all serve to turn soccer from a decent well-balanced sport into an out of whack pile of dumbassatry in which one silly bad call changes the entire game. I am not going to go into detail because you don’t care and I don’t care enough. But damn it, FIFA, get your cleats out of your ass. Continue reading

Asshole’s Log: Day 5

Traffic driving comment: Naked college girl ax-kicks a bear.

Things that you half want to hear: “Yes I’m pregnant, but don’t worry. It’s not yours; it’s your brothers.”

I like specialty stores. It is a tragedy that the economy is being raped by the giant penis that is Wal-Mart. I think we all need to consider opening unique specialty stores to combat the growing shadow of monopolization. I, for one, intend to start a feed store that sells only chum. I may not make much money, but damn it, you will know where to go for all of your chum needs. And it seems unlikely that Wal-Mart will try to tap into the chum market. Continue reading

Asshole’s Log: Day 4

Things you don’t want to hear.  “You just won the grand prize. You get to spend an entire weekend with Justin Bieber.”

Traffic driving comment of the day: Cheerleaders wrestling naked.

I almost never eat breakfast. It has been lauded as the most important meal of the day and yet this logic seems flawed. For what is this almighty breakfast? Lunch is well defined. A sandwich or perhaps soup or salad well placed amidst your workday to provide you with sustenance. And dinner is the  hearty meal which ends your day of toil and provides the barrier betwixt working and the freedom of the evening.  Breakfast is the thing you stuff in your mouth after you brush your teeth. That seems nasty. Also what are the traditional foods of breakfast? As far as I can tell, jam any damn thing you want in between an English muffin and that qualifies. Ah, shark face and cheese on a muffin – yum. Also just stuff a random ass pastry in your face. That works too.  I say fuck you to breakfast. If I want waffles, then I shall eat them at dinner. The conventions of society will not imprison me. For the good of humanity, we must all join together and say fuck you to breakfast. Continue reading

Asshole’s Log: Day 3

greeThings you don’t want to hear. “That probably won’t detonate.”

I think we need to take a moment to mourn the death of  former NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. I don’t know anything about car racing and never watch it. However he had one of the greatest names in sports. Dominating other names such as Garth Butcher, Kaka, Milton Bradley, Dick Butkus, and Hugh Jorgen. Okay maybe that last one is fake. But in a time when names lack sexual connotation, we could always turn to the few, the proud, the awesomely named. Continue reading

Asshole’s Log: Day 2

I thought I would start this off with the phrase “Free naked girls.” Maybe that will drive traffic. 🙂

Things you never want to hear said to you. “Yeah, but the doctor said the cancer will kill you before the AIDS does, so don’t even worry about it.”

Clichés suck balls. Laugh it out of court.  I’ve been to court. Generally speaking, it is not a very raucous atmosphere.Very little laughter. I have seen men in wife-beaters and ripped pants plead their cases starting with the argument: “But I was never caught before.” Despite this being a pretty weak defense, neither the lawyers nor the judge began to convulse with guttural chuckles of delight. I cannot picture a scenario in which a judge begins to laugh and point at a defendant. Continue reading

Asshole’s Log: Day 1

Here is some bullshit that I was thinking of today.

Things you never want to hear said to you: “If it makes you feel any better, your mother was lousy in bed.”  Can’t think of any circumstance where that improves your day.

I had to tighten the screws on my bed frame today because it was getting all squeaky and that is pretty annoying. The screw had the cross top, or Phillips head, design. So I had to find a Phillips head screwdriver, which led me to ponder – how was this named? Who the hell is Phillips? And what kind of hellacious head deformity does he suffer from? Continue reading