Asshole’s Log: Day 6

Today’s traffic driving comment. “Help I’m surrounded by boobs. So many boobs. Oh yeah, and they’re naked.”

Soccer is pissing me off. I don’t watch a ton of soccer but I do get into the various international tournaments – especially the World Cup. What I am starting to notice is that if soccer could just fix a few glaring problems, it would suck much less balls. The in-game penalty kicks, offsides rule, and endgame penalty kicks all serve to turn soccer from a decent well-balanced sport into an out of whack pile of dumbassatry in which one silly bad call changes the entire game. I am not going to go into detail because you don’t care and I don’t care enough. But damn it, FIFA, get your cleats out of your ass.

toon cyclop barbarWhen I was a little dude, I had to have eye surgery and first wear an eye patch and then glasses. I did not like wearing a patch. Despite being told how cool and pirate-like I looked, I was not buying that shit. So I would pull off the patch. You would do it, too, if you were half -blind and had a huge sticky thing clinging to your face. So in an effort to avoid this, my mother told me that if I did not wear the patch, then my eye would slide into the center of my face and I would turn into a cyclops. That’s right. My mother told me when I was like five, I think, that I could turn into a cyclops. That is a seriously fucked up way to abuse mythology. Not wanting to incur the nickname Polyphemus, I wore the damn patch. So I guess it worked. Though she denies having said this, it is true.

You know what weapon is awesome? The morning star. But more on that some other time.

Does Camilla Belle still exist? Just wondering; I haven’t heard about her in a while.

Today is Monday so stay positive and try to remember that only most of your family hates you.

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