Asshole’s Log: Day 4

Things you don’t want to hear.  “You just won the grand prize. You get to spend an entire weekend with Justin Bieber.”

Traffic driving comment of the day: Cheerleaders wrestling naked.

I almost never eat breakfast. It has been lauded as the most important meal of the day and yet this logic seems flawed. For what is this almighty breakfast? Lunch is well defined. A sandwich or perhaps soup or salad well placed amidst your workday to provide you with sustenance. And dinner is the  hearty meal which ends your day of toil and provides the barrier betwixt working and the freedom of the evening.  Breakfast is the thing you stuff in your mouth after you brush your teeth. That seems nasty. Also what are the traditional foods of breakfast? As far as I can tell, jam any damn thing you want in between an English muffin and that qualifies. Ah, shark face and cheese on a muffin – yum. Also just stuff a random ass pastry in your face. That works too.  I say fuck you to breakfast. If I want waffles, then I shall eat them at dinner. The conventions of society will not imprison me. For the good of humanity, we must all join together and say fuck you to breakfast.

I am only one eighth Scottish and for this I will never forgive myself. I long to be all Scottish. The national instrument is a giant sack bigstock-Scottish-Bag-Pipes-2616345that you blow into. It sounds strange but deep down you know that you wish you could do it. Sadly, I am mostly French. The only instrument the French seem to blow into is the horn that signals the inevitable retreat of their army. Also, the Scottish national animal is the unicorn. As an added bonus.

Monopoly would be more fun if instead of paying rent when you land on a property, the landowner gets to bash you with a chair. Chair strikes improve every game. You win and everyone else is bludgeoned into unconsciousness. Which isn’t that much different from the real game anyway.

I saw Oksana Baiul on a re-run of Family Feud. Saying that she did not appear smart would be a gross understatement. But then again I was the one watching re-runs of Family Feud. Finally, does anyone else find it odd that Oksana Baiul bears a striking resemblance to Justin Bieber? Food for thought.


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