Asshole’s Log: Day 1

Here is some bullshit that I was thinking of today.

Things you never want to hear said to you: “If it makes you feel any better, your mother was lousy in bed.”  Can’t think of any circumstance where that improves your day.

I had to tighten the screws on my bed frame today because it was getting all squeaky and that is pretty annoying. The screw had the cross top, or Phillips head, design. So I had to find a Phillips head screwdriver, which led me to ponder – how was this named? Who the hell is Phillips? And what kind of hellacious head deformity does he suffer from?

Cliches piss me off. Not only are they lazy, but they frequently don’t make any goddamn sense. What’s that you say? Can you have some examples? Why yes, yes, you can.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. It will – if it’s coated in skunk urine and you rub it in his/her face. Doctors hate that. You know what else keeps the doctor away? Not making appointments. It isn’t like this world is plagued by waves of doctors running rampant in an endless quest to perform enemas on unsuspecting movie patrons. Just don’t go to the doctor and they will leave you alone. And the health aspect is bullshit as well. Eating one apple a day isn’t going to keep you that healthy if the rest of your diet is meth.

Thomson’s GazelleA fly’s whole life is like the final hour at a bar. They just fly around desperate to mate before they die. Ironic considering how many flies make appearances at dive bars. Perhaps our bars serve the same purpose for flies as they do for us. Or perhaps the mushrooms in that calzone I had were not regular mushrooms.

One of the shittiest animals to be has got to be the gazelle. Thin and graceful they bound through the forest. That part is great but what it really comes down to is that the gazelle is the snack food of the animal kingdom. Just about everything eats them. Lions, tigers, bears, probably even fucking lobsters eat gazelles. The point here is that if you’re reincarnated and you get to check off your choice – stay the hell away from the boxes for flies or gazelles.

I hope these thoughts plague your dreams as they have mine.

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